Today is my high school/early college ex boyfriend’s birthday. Today I wished him a happy birthday, and was grateful that we are in a friendly enough place for me to do that. It wasn’t always that way. But I bring this up, because I have a lot to thank him for, and you probably have a lot to thank your ex(es) for as well, even if you don’t see it yet.
In high school and early college, my boyfriend and I were inseparable. We did everything together. We saw each other before AND after school in high school. We often took the same classes at the same time in college. We ate together, slept together, we practically breathed in unison. If he took up a new hobby, I did too. After a while, this left us without much to talk about at the end of the day. It’s hard to ask about your significant other’s day at bedtime or at dinner time if you had the exact same day. It taught me that I need someone who has their own interests, and who allowed me to have my own as well, and I’m grateful for the lesson.
My boyfriend was crazy outgoing and social. We always had something going on that night, that weekend, that summer. It was fun a lot of the time, but as an outgoing introvert myself, it got exhausting sometimes. I can remember countless nights where we drove to a party together and I was half asleep on the couch while he was still playing ping pong or video games with other night owls. I’m grateful for that for a lot of reasons. It taught me that I don’t always want to be out and about. I don’t always have to be or want to be “on.” It taught me to be considerate of others in social settings. I’m sure it’s no surprise to you all that my vastly introverted husband always wants to go home earlier than I do. Sometimes that’s a little disappointing, but I’d never make him stick around for hours for my own enjoyment. It taught me that on nights when I don’t want to do anything, I don’t have to, even if my significant other does go out. Most importantly, it taught me that I love to go out to haunted houses or to the park to play tag or to see Christmas lights all lit up, but playing Smash Brothers or RISK until 4 am just doesn’t motivate me to stay up and have a good time. I know more about my own preferences because of my ex.
My ex boyfriend was not really a snuggler. He is a hugger for sure, but when we’d sit and watch movies, he didn’t want to be all wrapped around each other. When I kissed him goodbye five times, he got annoyed. Physical affection just isn’t really his way of showing love. He’s more of a gifts and grand gestures sort of guy. He shows up at your door with pink-frosted muffins before school. But I am a physical affection sort of girl, and I know that about myself because of him. I know that because it hurt my feelings when he didn’t want to snuggle or when I wanted to kiss him goodbye five times or tell him I loved him ten, but I knew not to because he’d be annoyed. I made sure I married someone who lets me do all of those things and appreciates my enthusiasm because I had that previous experience, and I’m grateful for it.
There were occasions when my ex didn’t tell me the whole truth, or came home late when we had plans and never called. Those were painful experiences for me. I’m a worrier by nature, and not knowing if he was late because he just got caught up or if he was late because he was hurt or in trouble somehow was awful for me. And catching an untruth of some kind was worse. It hurt in ways I hadn’t experienced before. Those lessons were the most painful, but they taught me the most important lesson about myself. I know now that I value the truth over my own feelings, and that I need someone who is there when he says he will be. And if he’s not, he calls before I have to worry. I know that about myself because of my ex too, and I never would have recognized just how much I value honesty and dependability in my partner if I hadn’t experienced moments where my partner was lacking in those things. Those lessons are the ones that can really make or break our future relationships if we only pay attention to them. When we broke up, I found a partner who had the qualities my last relationship lacked. Qualities that complimented my own strengths and mitigated my weaknesses, instead of accentuating my weaknesses. And I was able to do that only because I learned from my previous experiences.
You could certainly turn every one of these lessons around on me. I’m sure my ex learned that he wanted to be with someone more outgoing so he didn’t feel guilty for staying late at parties. He probably avoids dating girls who are excessively physically affectionate because he now knows it annoys him, and I hope he also recognized the faults in being attached at the hip. And I know that I did things that hurt him just like he did things that hurt me. I hope the lessons shone through the pain for him as they did for me. And I hope anyone reading this takes the time to think about their past relationships and learn from them, if they haven’t already. Sometimes the wisdom takes a long time to filter through the hurt, or the animosity, but they are always there, no matter how awful the ex. You just have to be willing to look for them.
I’ll end this by making clear that my ex isn’t a bad guy. It isn’t wrong to be like me, and it’s not wrong to be like him. We were just wrong for each other. It didn’t always feel like it, which was why it hurt when it ended, but I think now we both know better.
Thanks for the life lessons and Happy Birthday ya goober!