Killed the Radio Star

Apparently we’re all murderers.

“Millennials… Killing Harley’s Sales”
“Millennials are Killing Chains Like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s”
“Millennials are Killing the Beer Industry”
“Millennials are Killing the Napkin Industry”
“Millennials are Killing the Golf Industry”
(this one kind of follows the theme, but mostly I want you to remind me to talk about this one in another post. I have a hypothesis.)
Millennials are Killing the Wine Cork
Millennials are Killing the Diamond Industry
(Those last two don’t have quotes around them because it’s not actually the title of the article)

I think we’ve killed this cliche too, so now that it’s in its death throes, let me give you my preferred rephrasing. All of the industries we’re killing fall into one of two categories, and should be re-headlined as either: “Millennials are Making X Better” or “X is Finally Dying, Because it was Stupid Idea to Begin With.”

Making Better

“Millennials are Making Harley’s Business Strategy Better”. Apparently Harley Davidson is having a few bad years. The claim is that millennials, who are entering into the company’s primary demographic age, aren’t interested in motorcycles. That’s partly true and partly not true. On the one hand, motorcycles are no longer strongly associated with the rebelliousness of youth, so in that regard the counter-culture allure is gone. On the other hand, I would love to have a motorcycle. Great gas mileage, they do still look bad ass, and they seem enjoyable to ride. But in Michigan I could only ride it a few months a year, and then only if it’s not raining, so I still need a car. The rest of the time it’s taking up room in my garage. The biggest issue that Harley is having is that millennials that are buying bikes are buying used. Harley-Davidson isn’t going to make any money if I buy a Sportster from the guy down the street for $1500 o.b.o. They’re only going to make money if I buy a bike new, which on the lowest end are almost $7000. That’s a 1/4 of what I still owe on my student loans. There’s no way we can spend that much money on an occasional mode of transportation that still needs maintenance, insurance, and gas. If Harley wants millennials to start buying new bikes they need to shift their business model to lower the cost, and market toward ideals that we appreciate, like lower carbon foot print and versatility.

“Millennials are Making the Beer Industry Better”. The theme here is that young folks are drinking less national brand beer, and more wine and liquor. As it turns out, wine and liquor will get you fucked up faster than the 5% (or less) ABV of shitty mass produced beer. They also taste better. As it turns out, craft beer tastes better than shitty mass produced beer, too. We’re not killing the beer industry, we’re simply forcing the industry to up it’s game. Don’t try to give me the same swill you’ve been making for the last 40 years (and they call millennials lazy…). Give me some new flavor profiles, get creative with your production process and ingredients. While you’re at it, you might as well brew near by, so I can support companies that will be investing money back into my state and town while I get sloppy.

“Millennials are Making Wine Better”.  I support the use of cork, because it can be harvested in a fairly sustainable manner. I do not support having to own a special tool whose sole purpose is to remove said cork from the top of a bottle. Wine openers have no other function than to open wine bottles. I don’t need to be taking up room in my kitchen drawer for that nonsense. You know what I do have in that kitchen drawer? Spoons, which I can use to eat a myriad of liquid based foods; knives, for cutting all manners of food products; a spatula with which to scrape, spread, and distribute various paste-like edibles. You know what I don’t have time for? A twisty piece of metal with some goofy lever attached that I can only use to get one specific beverage out of one specific vessel. Wine bottle with a twist off cap. Better.

“Millennials are Making Jewelry Better”. Humans have utilized pretty rocks for most of our history to adorn ourselves. Malachite is an absolutely gorgeous stone. Kayla loves turquoise. Diamonds are clear. I don’t understand why anyone would bother decorating their body with it. They can be sparkly, fine, but that’s based more on the shape than it is on the inherent properties of the stone. Glass is also clear and can be shaped so that it refracts light in an attractive way, but nobody spends $5000 on a piece of glass to set into a ring. Don’t misunderstand, I like diamonds. The hardness makes them great for cutting metal and other stone, but as jewelry it’s not in my top 10. You should have Kayla show you her wedding ring sometime. That’s a pretty rock, and it didn’t cost me a month’s salary.

Finally Dead

“Chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s are Finally Dying”. If Applebee’s isn’t the poster child for suburbia I don’t know what is. Chain restaurants are the 2000s version of the cookie-cutter subdivision of the ’50s. Every town has one, they’re all exactly the same, and they’re dis-genuinely “fun”. “Wings, beer, and sports!?! It’s like a sports bar, but I can take my family! Oh boy, this is great.” Generic food, generic slogans, generic corporate-is-making-me-be-cheery staff. Of course we’re killing this industry. It should have been aborted upon conception. This is another situation where I could instead choose to go to a local restaurant, with some authenticity and variety compared to the restaurant down the street, and support a company that is based in and contributing to the local economy of my area. Why go to a chain eating establishment when you can go to a real restaurant?

“Golf is Finally Dying”. Golf is boring and not cost effective. If I want to walk around outside with my buddies I can go to a park and walk around with my buddies. I don’t need to pay a club fee or carry around a bag of metal rods. Not to say that hitting a tiny ball into a tiny hole waaaay over there doesn’t take skill. It’s amazing that people can do it, but it’s also amazing that some people can eat an entire box of waffles in under 30 seconds. That doesn’t mean I need to see it more than once, or pay to try to do it.

This is in no way an exhaustive list of the terrible systems we as a generation are tearing asunder, so what industries are you excited about killing?