Hello everyone. It’s been a little crazy on our end this past week or so, due in large part to some tough family stuff going on. Many of you know that my dad is an alcoholic, and has been for as long as I can remember. Last weekend, we had an intervention and sent him to a rehab facility with a very high success rate. He is grateful to be there and seems to be doing well so far, but I just wanted to take a second to talk about dealing with addiction in those you love. I know it’s a little more somber than our usual material, but on the first father’s day weekend that I won’t spend time with my dad, it feels too important not to talk about. We’ll get back to our regularly scheduled programming after this, I promise.
There isn’t really a one-size fits all way to cope with addiction in someone you love. Everyone handles it differently. My family is a great example of that. But there are a few things you can try to do to make dealing with it on a day to day basis as easy as possible (not actually easy by any stretch, but definitely better).
- Recognize the humanity of the addict. No one becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol because they are secure and happy in who they are as a person. Any kind of addiction is a coping mechanism that is helping the addict to avoid dealing with some sort of insecurity or mental illness by numbing their feelings. Realizing that under the bad behavior is a person who is hurting takes the sting out of the things they’ve done to hurt you and helps you to remember that underneath that destructive coping mechanism, the person you love is still there. Seeing their humanity and recognizing that their real fight is within will help you with the rest of the advice on this list.
- You can’t reason with the unreasonable. Trying to reason an addict out of their addiction is like trying to reason the stripes off of a zebra. The zebra knows it has stripes, and knows the stripes may make it more obvious to predators, but that knowledge isn’t going to make removing those stripes any more likely. Addicts know that their addiction is killing them. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for them to quit because their addiction isn’t something that can be reasoned with. You can’t reason with the devil on your shoulder. You can only learn to ignore him and hope he goes away.
- External fights just distract from the internal one. Yelling, screaming, fighting with, or belittling an addict will do nothing to help fix their addiction. They know their addiction upsets you. It very likely upsets them too, when they take a minute to think about it. But reminding them of their failings is pointless and is often counterproductive. Those insecurities an addict is numbing with drugs or drinks are only made worse when someone else points them out. Addicts know their failings, sometimes too well. It’s dealing with them in a healthy way that that haven’t figured out yet. They don’t need your help recognizing their flaws. They need you to help them love themselves as the flawed human they are.
- Take care of yourself first. If you aren’t fighting with your addicted loved one, you are often trying to help them take care of themselves, which is great. But that devil on their shoulder can lead them to take advantage of you if you aren’t careful. For example, don’t lend your addicted loved one money. It may be for bills, or it may be for “bills” (aka drugs), but either way, their unstable way of life is going to make it likely that you won’t ever get that money back, and you could be helping to feed their addiction. Give them all of the emotional support they need, but don’t do anything that might support their addiction. There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of your loved one. They certainly need to feel loved if they are ever going to get over their addiction. But make sure you take care of yourself first, because your addicted loved one is certainly doing the same.
- Don’t avoid disagreeing with them to spare their feelings or image. It may upset them that you point out their drunkenness, but if that’s what you have to do to keep them from driving or otherwise causing themselves or others harm, sometimes it’s necessary. Don’t ever be mean about it, but don’t let your addicted loved one do something that could cause tragedy because you don’t want to embarrass them or you don’t want people to know. Chances are they probably already know.
- Let go of pointless worrying. I spent a long time worrying every night that my dad might come home drunk, leading to fighting and yelling. But most nights, that wasn’t the case. Sure, it happened more often than I would have liked. But worrying about it every night made my childhood much more stressful than it needed to be. Worrying about what an addict might do is about as helpful as worrying about whether the power might go out. Is it possible? Sure. Is it probable? Maybe. But you can’t predict the future, and worrying about it is only increasing your blood pressure. When you live life with an addict, you can only deal with the present. And frankly, that’s a good life lesson in general. Don’t worry about what you have no control over because it doesn’t serve any useful purpose.
I hope these five tips help anyone who is dealing with addiction in someone they love. They are by no means an exhaustive list of how to deal with addiction, but they have helped me, and the advice was certainly hard-won on my part. Obviously I am not a psychologist or a counselor, but life with an addict brings a perspective all its own. And to any addicts out there, I see you, and I know you can do better with some professional help. All you have to do is take the first step on your journey. Dealing with addiction isn’t easy for anyone, but I have hope for my dad, for my family, and for anyone else out there who is willing to work for change.
