So. You and your partner think that you’re ready to take the next step in your relationship and acquire a baby mammal of some kind. For the purposes of this blog I’m going to assume that is a pet and not a baby human because I have no experience acquiring children (that sounds so terrible) or dealing with them afterward. That said, this applies to basically all other helpless baby mammals, so it might be accurate for kids as well. So without further ado, here’s how you know you’re prepared to add a new munchkin to the family.
- Be ready to laugh. This is for two reasons. First, babies are clumsy and you will die laughing as they trip because their back legs are longer than their front legs, or they step on their own ears, or they misjudged a distance. Second, they will do things you never dreamed of and your options are laughing or crying. When I left Reliant alone for 20 minutes and he dug up a potted tree? I just had to laugh and bust out the vacuum. Don’t get me wrong, he still got punished for being bad, but getting upset about it wouldn’t have changed the fact that the plant was dead. Sometimes it’s easy to laugh. When the dog chomps down on a bee balm plant and freaks out because of the strong minty flavor that immediately flooded his mouth, and the garden is full of bee balm, it’s no big deal. But when you spent hours researching companies that responsibly source their down for pillows and comforters, and then you find him surrounded by the feathery guts of your beloved $70 down pillow, it gets harder. When you receive your hard-won (3 years of work!) Master’s degree in the mail on Wednesday night, and on Thursday evening the dog has eaten it, it can be almost impossible to laugh. But rest assured, down is just feathers, and a degree is just a piece of paper, and we laughed about all of those things eventually, even if we didn’t right away.
- Be ready for a mess. Aside from the mess associated with naughty behaviors like chewing, there are many other messes that will be had if you get a baby animal. Puppies need to be potty trained, and so do kittens. Puppies take a while and can be more annoying to clean up, but make no mistake, your kitten potty training will be messy too. Kittens figure out the litter box thing right away most of the time, but they get litter EVERYWHERE. It is amazing how far that stuff flies. And don’t think that your kitten has it all figured out just because he (or she) knows what the litter box is for. There are still so many things that can go wrong. Like when your kitten steps in his own poop and tracks it around the house. Or fails to notice he as a dingleberry. Kittens aren’t so good at personal hygiene to start with. Plus babies are messy eaters, have sensitive stomachs, and get into everything. There will be food everywhere, and occasionally there will probably be vomit, and sometimes the vomit will contain household items you thought were safe from your tiny monster.
- Be ready to tag team. Cleaning up after a baby animal is a team effort. You take turns launching yourself out of bed to take the puppy on a potty break. You take turns bathing the kitten after he steps in poop AGAIN. One of you cleans up the dog and the other one hoses down the kennel after your puppy poops in there and steps in it for an hour. If you can’t do that you definitely shouldn’t be getting an animal together.
- Be ready to spend way too much money. The amount of money it takes to care for a baby animal is no joke. They require fairly frequent doctor visits to start with, including for vaccination series, getting “fixed” (this part definitely does not apply to human babies), and the occasional panic-ridden surprise visit for any number of reasons. Then there’s feeding them. They eat like dinosaurs. It’s insane but it makes sense when you see how fast they grow in the beginning. We spent well over $100 a month on dog food for Reliant (just him!) when he was going through his growth spurt phase. Then there’s toys and leashes and kitty litter and more toys. Oh and replacing the things that inevitably get ruined or broken by the adorable little ruffian running around freely in your house. And of course, a nominal yearly fee for registering your new mammal with the city in which you live.
I think that about covers it. If you and your partner think you can manage all four of those categories, you can probably safely acquire a new baby mammal without killing each other or the animal. And don’t forget to adopt instead of shop if that’s right for you! There are so many great organizations out there who have a puppy or kitten (or whatever else) ready and waiting to love you for a fraction of the cost of a purebred animal. And remember that many purebred animals are genetically predisposed to certain diseases, while “mutts” often avoid those because of more diverse gene pools, meaning your mutt may cost you less in the long run too!
Who has a great baby mammal story to share? Include it in the comments section below (and any photographic evidence!).