Bills, Bills, Bills

I was listening to a morning radio show on my way into work a couple of days ago, and they were talking and laughing about when they lie to their spouse about their spending. I wish I was joking. They didn’t call it lying of course. One of the hosts was talking about her “shopping problem” and how, when her husband asks how much she spent on the bags and bags of clothes she brought home, she tells him they were “on sale” and gives him a lower number than the actual price tag. And as I drove to work, the other hosts laughed and lightly chastised her while callers commiserated and shared their own stories of lying about price tags to their significant others. It made me sick, and here’s why.

Lying about your spending to your spouse is despicable for a number of reasons, but the most important one is that you are putting your relationship in jeopardy by breaking their trust. Trust is the most important foundation of a relationship. If you can’t trust someone, you can’t build a life with them, because you can’t count on them to behave in the way you need them to. This is important in all aspects of a relationship, but especially when it comes to finances. I need to be able to count on my significant other to pay their share of the bills without my help. I need to know that they are as committed to our financial goals as I am. If your spouse finds out that you’ve been lying about how much you spend, or how much debt you carry, the resulting arguments are not going to do your relationship any favors.

Then of course, there’s the issue of tackling debt. In an economy where Americans have an average of $134,000 in debt per household (that includes student loans, mortgages, credit cards, etc), people should be taking a serious look at where their money is being spent and how they can reduce some of that debt. A lot of this debt is a factor of rising cost of living and education costs coupled with stagnating wages. But you can’t take an honest look at how you can reduce your debt if you can’t take an honest look at your spending habits. If you go out every month and spend $600 on clothes, but your partner thinks you only spent $200, that’s $400 he or she thinks is being spent on something else, like paying extra on your mortgage or paying down your credit card. All of that “extra” money they think you have to put toward your financial goals is going toward reducing your debt and thus also reducing the amount of interest you pay on it in their mind. But really, it’s just going toward stuff, and you don’t have the guts to tell the one person who should know everything about your spending habits. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person (or even a few years of it) and you’re trying to plan for the future, don’t you think they should know if you like to spend $600 on new clothes every month? Just for planning purposes if nothing else.

Seth and I don’t always agree on what to spend money on. Just this month I got a killer deal on a long bench for the foot of our bed and a nightstand, both of which we need once our renovation is finished. I had been keeping an eye out for these items for a while, and knew a good deal when I saw one. I didn’t check with my husband first (because seriously, what year is it?), but when he saw that I spent about $250 in the budget spreadsheet we keep together and asked me about it, I explained what I bought and why. He wasn’t ecstatic since he is happy to pick any old thing out of the garbage and use it in our house, but he understands that I got a good deal on something that I will actually allow into the house, and that for us, it was a good compromise. Could I have just left that out of the budget spreadsheet and avoided that conversation? Sure. But I’m not cool with dishonesty in a relationship, so I don’t pull that kind of crap, and if you think that’s something that’s okay to do, you might want to ask yourself why. Do you just have a total lack of respect for the person you’re in a relationship with? Are you both irresponsible spenders who will end up fighting about money when it catches up with you down the line? Or is the stuff you’re buying really more important to you than the person you’re with?

The only exception to this is, of course, if you’re trying to surprise your significant other with a gift and don’t want them to find out about it until after they receive it. Even then though, you may want to consider the price tag of the gift. I would love to surprise Seth with a trip to Armenia, Scotland, or New Zealand, but with our current plans and budget, I know he’d be upset if I spent that kind of money without his input. Maybe one day we’ll have the budget for a trip like that, but right now it’s not in the cards and I respect his views on that because I respect him as a human being. And really, if you lie to your significant other, no matter what you’re lying about, a lack of respect is what you are showing them.

Do you think I’m totally overreacting? Or do you have a story that backs me up? Share in the comments section!