I heard probably my 300th couple whisper-yelling awful things at each other while bartending the other night. It’s something we’ve all seen and probably even done. I’ve heard women bitching about their husbands. I’ve seen full-on screaming matches. But isn’t there a better way?
Every couple fights. It’s a fact of life. You will never agree on everything with another human being. It’s part of what makes life interesting. But how a fight plays out varies quite a bit from couple to couple and can tell you a lot about what the future of your relationship is going to look like. Have you ever met a couple who screams at each other and calls each other names who seems happy? Assuming they even stay together in the first place? Do you know anyone who represses their frustration with their partner and then complains about them to others instead? A lot of people resort to behaviors that are not very constructive when they are frustrated by their partner. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it, or they just haven’t developed any alternative tools.
In light of that, I’m going to share with you the “rules” Seth and I follow when we argue.
- Don’t wait to bring up something that’s bothering you until you can’t wait. If something is really getting on your nerves or hurting your feelings, say so! Don’t wait two weeks as the behavior continues until your feelings explode out of your face totally unfiltered. If something bothers you, give yourself an hour or two to calm down and compose your thoughts (I like to write them down so I don’t lose my train of thought) and then bring it up to your partner calmly.
- Bring it up to your partner FIRST. If your partner is doing something you find disrespectful, hurtful, or annoying, bring it up to them before you go complain to ten of your friends. If they find out from someone other than you that you’re upset, the problem can get blown out of proportion really fast. I’m not saying you can’t talk to your friends about your relationship problems. But your partner should know about them and have the opportunity to correct them before the rest of the world finds out.
- Don’t say anything you can’t take back in the heat of the moment. This is a big one. It may literally be the turning point in your relationship. An ex once yelled at me, “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you just leave?” It was an epiphany for me. Why didn’t I just leave? Two weeks later, I was gone.
- Never insult your partner. This sort of goes along with the last one. Your partner loves you and you love them. Why would you want to hurt them on purpose? An insult is going to hurt their feelings long after your argument is over and you can’t even remember what you were fighting about. They’ll still remember if you called them a bitch, or ugly, or anything else. Seth and I sometimes insult each other’s taste (“You like the ugliest rugs I have ever seen.”) But we never insult each other directly (“You are stupid for liking ugly rugs.”).
- Listen and let them finish. If your partner is trying to communicate with you about something that makes them unhappy, listen to them. Don’t formulate your response while they’re still talking. Don’t interrupt them to counter their point right away. Let them explain to you what is bothering them fully. There will be plenty of time to talk it through once they finish their thought.
- Apologize. If you did something to upset your partner and they worked up the courage to tell you about it, apologize. It doesn’t matter if you think they’re wrong or being unreasonable. They can’t help how a situation made them feel. You can apologize for making them feel bad even if you don’t think your behavior was unreasonable. You don’t want them to feel bad and they don’t want to feel bad. Apologizing doesn’t have to mean you’re wrong. Sometimes it just means you value your partner’s feelings more than your own ego. So just say, “I’m sorry what I did made you uncomfortable/sad/angry/hurt. I didn’t mean for you to feel that way.” After you acknowledge your partner’s feelings, talking the situation through will be easier.
- Talk about a solution. If you talk constructively about how one (or both) of your feelings were hurt but you don’t talk about how to avoid the situation in the future, then your argument was basically futile. Once you each understand how the other person feels, you can work toward a solution that is a compromise you can both live with. Then you can avoid having the same argument later.
- Hold each other. After Seth and I get through an intense argument, we hug, we kiss, sometimes we snuggle. A long argument can be a lot of emotional work and some affection can go a long way in mending hurt feelings and reminding you how much you love the person you just emotionally battled with. If you’re both still too worked up to hug after you argue, you’re doing it wrong, or at least you aren’t arguing effectively. If you argue effectively, everyone feels heard and understood, which allows everyone involved to let go of bruised egos and hurt feelings.
If you really feel like you can’t talk to your partner, you should ask yourself why. Are they prone to violent verbal or physical outbursts? Do they refuse to listen? Do they punish you for sharing your feelings? Do you feel like your relationship will fall apart if you try to talk about your feelings? None of those things are normal, and if you are truly afraid to share your feelings with your partner because you are afraid of how they will react, you should be asking yourself why you are still in that relationship. If you can’t communicate, one or both of you are doomed to be miserable. And if your partner seems shy about sharing their feelings, make sure you aren’t doing things to make them afraid to share. Encourage them, listen to them, then have a constructive conversation. Don’t yell or blame. Fear should never be something you feel in connection with your partner.
I know talking openly about your feelings is hard. Seth and I had a lot of trial and error before we learned how to argue with each other effectively. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes some self control and self awareness. But I promise it is completely worth the work. Also, disclaimer, I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or marriage counselor. I’m just someone who feels like they’re doing pretty good at this whole marriage thing so far and would like to share the tips that I’ve found work for my relationship. They may or may not be helpful for yours.
What strategies do you use to keep your relationship running smoothly? Share with us in the comments below!